I have, with some thanks to the Drag Queen Ru Paul, named my critical inner voice. (I’ll keep her name between her and me for now!). Naming her has helped me to get to know her a little better. She has been with me as long as I can remember. She was there when I stood in front of the mirror at 15 years old, and many times after, critiquing how my tummy looked in what I was wearing. ‘Ugh’ she would exclaim. She sits down with me in any group setting and whispers into my ear - ‘are you really going to say that?’, ‘that is soooo not relevant or particularly profound!’ She’ll lie next to me in bed and quietly comment - ‘I’m not sure you are that good of a mum, or a rabbi, or a writer, or a friend….’ You could be better at so much more.
I now know that she means well and when things feel particularly pressured, she gets lounder. In a scary, big, cruel world she is trying to care for me - letting me know what’s ahead, encouraging me to withdraw, stay small and keep quiet. She thinks all of this will keep me safe. I’ve learnt that hiding and being consumed by thoughts of self-doubt will not keep me safe and that, alongside the world being cruel, it is also kind and there are people out there who love me and see value in what I can bring to the world.
One term used for such people is co-conspirators. I’m lucky to have a bunch of them in my life and Debbie Danon is one such co-conspirator. Through her work as an Inclusive Leadership Coach and Facilitator Debbie encourages and fosters something she has named Rebel Leadership. And luckily, recently, Debbie said yes when I invited her to a class with the fourth year rabbinical students at Leo Baeck College. I had invited Debbie along as I wished I would have met her early on in my rabbinic journey for her work helps me as a leader and a human in this wondrous, perplexing world.
Instead of surviving and being led by the voice of self-doubt, Debbie’s work has helped me to work towards flourishing and to intentionally and positively stepping into the world uniquely as me. All this is captured in the formative question Debbie asks, and repeated in our session together:
What are you a rebel for the sake of?
Oof! This question seeks the response of - 'here is my Big Yes'. Or as adrienne maree brown writes in Pleasure Activism, your Orgasmic Yes! What is it that excites you, that inspires you, that brings energy? What is it that you are a rebel for the sake of it? Note, this question does not say - what should you be doing? What could you be doing? What do you need to do? What do you imagine others think you should do? No, this question goes deep - it is soul work. What are you a rebel for the sake of? Some of my answers, for myself, for today are:
I am a rebel for the sake of:
Compassionate and courageous conversations that bring both heat and light.
Spaces that empower participants and enact justice within and without.
Investing in leaders to give them the tools and space to make new sentences (Prof. Rabbi Larry Hoffman) and imagine alternative, better worlds.
Embedding a feminist construction within our worlds and beings.
Using stories and learning to cultivate empathy and activism.
I’ve also learnt through Debbie’s work that my inner voice has been misled. The problems I face, the self-doubts that arise, are not because I am less than or not good enough but are often, instead, manifestations that all is not right with the world. Debbie explains this with another question - ‘What’s that HISS?’ HISS - Harmful Internalised Standards and Stories - which provide fuel for our Inner Critic. I have imbibed and integrated so many falsehoods of what a woman, a rabbi, a mum, a friend, a daughter etc etc is that I have become divorced from who I am and what moves me in the world. When I say to myself - ‘I can’t cope, why am I always stressed, why can’t I do better’ - I am experiencing the symptoms of living in a capitalist world that demands I understand myself by how much I produce. When I say to myself - ‘I am boring, I don’t have anything to say’ - I am experiencing what it is to be an introvert in a world that seems to overly value charismatic, extrovert leadership. When I keep downloading dieting apps, I am reacting to the story that to be a woman means to be concerned with my weight above anything else.
I have learnt, through my conversations and Debbie’s outstanding newsletter (sign up here), that my task is, with my co-conspirators and community, to flourish. To flourish by working on my own soul work and connections with others in order to address the systemic harms and oppressive systems in our society. I’m coming to learn that I have certain passions and strengths. I cannot do it all or be it all and nor, now, do I want to.
With thanks to Debbie and your rebel leadership.
You can sign up to Debbie’s Rebel Leadership newsletter here.