Whenever I teach, I hear myself, saying, ‘if I could get this phrase tattooed, I would!’ I am obsessed with words. I am hooked on discovering teachings that connect all the dots and turn my thinking upside down. I love finding words that break open new possibilities I didn’t even know existed. Aside from my very low pain threshold, I would run out of space to get all of the words that have transformed me tattooed. So in lieu of finding a parlour that could do the miraculous, I’m going to share some of my favourite words and sentences that have blown me away. Knowing that the Internet is a type of memorial, given the impossibility of erasing anything that is ‘out there’ digitally, I hope that these words start conversations of critical thinking and connection.
Print by R.Robyn. Please cite the author/artist if you are quoting any words or re-producing the art. Ta!
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Am I still a nice person if I tell you what I am experiencing?....
I am a recovering people pleasing co-dependent. For most of my life I understood that it was my role to please others, to be compliant and to not make a fuss. Maybe that's a surprise given that I was a Human Rights lawyer but I understood, in my professional role that justice and accountability were core values that were enshrined in law and had to be safeguarded and protected. Yet, in day to day interactions I struggled to be clear in asserting my needs or holding others accountable.
Fast forward to a day in my 30s when I was deeply immersed in reading Brené Brown's work and the next sentence hit me deep in my core and transformed my thinking and acting in this world:
Clear is Kind. Unclear is Unkind.
Whaaaaat?!!!! I had understood, without questioning that to hold someone to account, say what I was really feeling, express how they had hurt me or that they had misstepped was to be unkind. It wasn't nice of me to make others uncomfortable. The kind thing was to keep the peace. Nope, I'm learning. Being kind is the opposite - it means being invested fully in this world and my relationships and being honest with those around me about my feelings and the consequences of their words and actions. To hold back is unkind, unhonest and contributes to disconnection. Not being honest or clear with others means they do not have a chance to repair or make things right. All of this is captured in the following pasuk/verse:
לֹֽא־תִשְׂנָ֥א אֶת־אָחִ֖יךָ בִּלְבָבֶ֑ךָ הוֹכֵ֤חַ תּוֹכִ֙יחַ֙ אֶת־עֲמִיתֶ֔ךָ וְלֹא־תִשָּׂ֥א עָלָ֖יו חֵֽטְא׃
You shall not hate your kinsfolk in your heart. Reprove your kin but incur no guilt on their account. Vayikra/Leviticus 19:17
When I was going through a tough time this verse provided me with comfort as I tried to ensure that injustice was recognised and people and systems were held accountable. I re-read this verse and understood that not only was being clear, kind, but I was obligated to act upon the values of justice and accounability. This verse taught me that if I did not speak my truth or pursue the practice of justice then I would have hate in my heart. If I didn't do what I knew was necessary then there was nowhere for the feelings to go but inwards. I would bear the guilt for not speaking out. Of course, sometimes it is not safe or possible to hold others to justice in the way I am speaking of here. (To explore the path to repair within oppressive systems - the BEST BOOK EVER is 'On Repair and Repentance: Making Amends in an Unapologetic World' by Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg.)
If I do not inhabit the mantra that 'clear is kind, unclear is unkind' and understand that I am obligated to be honest in my interactions and realise my innate goodness and generosity of spirit in seeking justice, then I will become a victim or even a persecutor. I could turn inwards, holding the hate, the fear and anxiety and turn against those against me 'for not getting it' even though I've not given them the chance. I could be stuck in victim mode and instead of listening to the critique or being present with the other person, be lost in the narrative of how I was hurting. Or I could lash out and act out in suppressed anger, persecuting others, because I feel powerless. These positions are from the drama triangle which understands that we inhabit different positions - that of the victim, the persecutor or the rescuer - in any given situation, all of which keep us stuck.
Another teaching I love and was taught by a coach years ago was a healthy paradigm of the above. Instead of being a victim I can recognise and name my vulnerability. Instead of being a persecutor I could recognise and name my potency/power. Instead of becoming a rescuer I could be a responder (doing so skilfully and reflectively).
What this means in practice, when in situations where I feel hurt/hard done by/attacked/a victim of injustice is that:
I do not turn inwards into victimhood but hold myself gently in my vulnerability.
I do not blame others or hold hate in my heart but with good intention and reflection, address the situation head on and clearly, holding those to account where necessary. I step into my power.
I do not react instantly or imagine I can solve things either by myself or simply, but I take the time to respond. I act and respond with curiousity and not defensiveness or judgment.
I am learning that playing the victim is easier and this practice of being clear/kind is hard, uncomfortable but it is the core of justice work for interpersonal relationships and wider systems of harm. I realised that alongside my work as a Human Rights lawyer, my Jewish identity and interpersonal relationships could (and arguably should) also be imbued with accountable kindness.
To help me on my way, for this month's tattoo worthy text, I would have this phrase and verse on my forehead! To remind me to act accordingly and to encourage others to practice their care for me in being clearly kind.
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